My Job as a Mom

I've tried to pare back my routine this week and stay off my ankle. Especially since I abused it this week-end. It's better every day, but I want it to be WAY better. Anyway, if I were to really be out of commission, these are the positions someone would have to hire to do my job this week:
1. Event Planner -My son's 5th birthday is Friday, and he's having a party. Must be able to entertain approximately twenty 4-5 year olds for 90 minutes, feed them, keep them safe and alive, deal with an open flame (candles), one child receiving lots of presents while the others receive none, and favors that please children and parents. Help with thank you notes preferred.
2. Chef- Must be able to please the palates of six different people AND be healthy. Also must be able to prepare such meals in 'take out' form at ungodly hours of the morning for transport to school while simultaneously preparing a similarly healthy and appealing breakfast.
3. Chauffeur- Must be able to discern the seven different groups of children transported weekly. There should never be an empty seat in the car. Separate middle school boys and girls, take a stand on controlling the radio station, and be able to care for and return to the proper owners backpacks, lunchboxes, ipods, gameboys, and jackets that will inevitably be left in the car. Oh, and make sure the boys don't eat their lunch ON THE WAY to school. Keep extra snacks under the seat because someone always forgets theirs, and may need a replacement. And be able to sign the name of any parent whose child is in your car for last-minute field trip forms and homework folder slip-ups. Also, learn the name of the nice man who opens the car door at school. He won't tell anyone when your beer bottle falls out at pick up (leftover from the week-end camping where you were TRYING to take the bottle home to recycle, but forgot it was under the seat)
4. Tutor. This job is very important. Applicant must be able to differentiate instruction for four different children, keep up with the test, quiz, and project schedule of said children, and discover the best way to motivate each one. Additionally, must be able to call out spelling words and algebraic formulas over breakfast for last-minute test preparation.
5. Maid. Must be willing to do four loads of laundry a day that require a lot of stain removal. Discern between all the different clothes between the six people (even when the mom and oldest child now wear the same size), and replace in their drawers or on their bed for them to put away. Must learn to prioritize favorite jeans and t-shirts unique to sporting events and odyssey of the mind team. Must clean up breakfast dishes and downstairs area that looks completely destroyed once all members of family have found bookbags, shoes, coats, homework, lunch, snacks, missing library books, signed folders, important contracts, laptops, cell phone, ipods, game boys, and show and tell items. Kids make their own beds.
6. Secretary. Must take specific messages. Explain to patients that the phone book mixed up the office number with Dr. K's home number, and give the correct number. Discern between telemarketers and someone who really needs to be called back. Correct the callers in response to the local rumor mills who think I've broken my arm rather than sprained my ankle. Assure them that their child will be picked up from school but by the previously mentioned chauffeur. Assure teachers that I will bring cupcakes on Friday, juice boxes next Tuesday, and scramble green eggs and ham tomorrow. Need to fill out rest of camp forms, mail, and pay ballet tuition.
7. Pharmacist. Administer cough medicine to all the still-coughing children, ibuprofen to me, acne cream on one child, benadryl on the kid recovering from a rash, and a martini to my husband at 6:00 P.M., shaken or stirred, he's just happy to get it.
8. Stylist. Must wet down the hair of my two sons every morning to TRY and offset the cowlicks that spring up at night. Must help one daughter do a high ponytail with just the amount of hair hanging out (her choice, not mine) and help the other daughter get her part correct and earrings in or out as needed. Check everyone's mouth for remains of breakfast.
9. Inspirational Speaker. To motivate, encourage and inspire my husband, so he continues to come home every night during my convalescence. To get the kids onto their homework right after school, so the tutor's not here until all hours. To get me to stay off my ankle, and to persuade my four-year-old it's naptime.
10. Librarian. Recommend and acquire books to keep a houses of six reading, reading, reading. Only the best books will do. Make sure you thoughtfully consider each selection because the wrong fit will result in another kind of fit, need for more from the inspirational speaker at reading time, and maybe even more hours from the tutor.
11. Veterinarian's Assistant. To care for the dog, cat and fish, keep them away from each other, monitor the strange bumps on the dog's stomach, keep an eye out for a recurrence of vomiting in the dog, and help the cat (three-legged) down the porch on the side with the brick patio. Also, make sure you keep food in the cat's bowl or she'll try to cross the street to the neighbor's cat bowl and on her three legs, she can't outrun the cars. Oh, and clean out the fish tank and the cat's automatic feeder.
12. And a professional escort to accompany my husband to his business meetings when he needs a 'wife'. Accompaniment only. No further services.

So, with a staff of twelve, we should be able to handle the house. Now about PTA and church responsibilities...