Wal-Mart

I'm doing a little experiment today (hence the Wal-Mart title). I'm not actually going to talk about Wal-Mart today (and perhaps I never will again!). However, on Wednesday when Wal-Mart was in my title and labels, I had a STAGGERING number of hits on my blog. I'm pretty sure it's related but not positive, so today's little experiment is this: will I have another crazy number of hits if I put Wal-Mart in my title and label. So I'll let you know. The whole idea kind of nauseates me, if you want to know the truth, but I'm kind of intrigued, too.

Now I'd like to give a few more notes from the SCBWI Conference. One of the most interesting talks I've ever heard was from Ben Shrank the Publisher/President of Razorbill. He's the author of several teen novels, teaches in an MFA program, and at the helm of Razorbill, who spins out some of the best YA books out there. He told some fascinating stories about book deals from the perspective of the publishing company, and told of two hot new YA books that came out yesterday. THE NAUGHTY LIST and A MATCH MADE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Sorry, I didn't catch the authors, but I'm going to check them out and give you more info soon, and probably blog about them.

For those of you who are writing for the YA market, he offered a list of common mistakes. So be mindful of the following things:
1. Don't write for the market (you can't possibly predict how long vampires, for example, will be hot)
2. Don't try to sound too much like a teen--find a true voice that resonates, and it will work
3. Don't introduce your characters (Hi, I'm gretchen and....). He sees (and tosses) a lot of those ms.
4. Don't tell the same story the same way it's already been told. Know your ms's peers.
5. Litmus test--Will your book work as logic in the cafeteria? then take that emotional exchange into another environment. If it doesn't work in a universal way (ie school cafeteria), then it's not going to work.

He went on to talk about being nice as a writer, not demanding or diva-like. That's a new phenomenon, these superstar writers, and it interferes with their ability to promote your book. I coined it Trickle Down Bitchonomics. Don't you like that? Remember, you heard it here first.

Other books to look for: APRIL MAY JUNE, AUDREY WAIT, AND THE REPLACEMENT.

Now I'm going to tell you something gross. A member of my family got SCABIES this week. Do you know anything about that? It's a kind of mite that burrows under your skin. The rash looks like scratches but it's actually their little burrows. Nice, eh? We had to wash everything in the house in hot water and then every member of the family had to apply the lotion (kind of like lice). It's only a one time treatment and then it goes away. The spot was small and isolated (back of his hands, and mostly on one hand)and got better immediately (so fast it reminded us that we'd just killed little creatures living under his skin--oooooooooh) Apparently scabies has been scarcely seen for years but there's been a rash of it (pun intended) this winter. Thousands of cases in this area of NC alone. SO if your kid gets a little rash (often starts between fingers although this one was on back of hand) that looks like a couple of cat scratches, it's probably SCABIES. Again, remember you heard it here first.

And now, a Scabies poem for you.

Teacher says I have something freaky on my hand
Nurse predicts I’ll soon spread it through the land

Mom comes to get me, and says that it’s okay
We get cream from the doctor to make it go away

And just as quickly as it came, my old skin returns
No more something freaky, no more itches and burns

And just in case you think my rash is kind of cool.
No point in trying to catch it, I went right back to school.


Damn, now I've got all this information in the blog and I won't actually know if it's Wal_Mart or scabies poetry bringing up hits. Of course, if I get a small number, I'll know it's neither. And traditionally, you guys don't read as much on Fridays (did you know that about yourself?). Oh, well, Let's see how this plays out. Watch out for Scabies. And start writing that YA novel. Somebody's got to write the next Twilight-like hit. Might as well be you.

People of Wal-Mart

Okay, I've been typing this post for, like, ten minutes and it all blinked OUT on me. So now I have to start over writing about WAL-MART? OH, well, it will be shorter and maybe better considering the fact that I had a rough draft.

Go to www.peopleofwalmart.com. Right now. Chop. Chop. It will only take a moment.

I hope you went to the link above because I think you need it for the setting of my next story. If you have a minute and you haven't already, please go take a moment on this link. Just to set the tone of my story.

ANYWAY, I had to drive 40 minutes to Wal-Mart this morning for OM needs despite my cheeky little OMers who smarted off about the list this morning. At any rate, I'm smart enough to know that you can never please a bunch of 8th graders. ANYWAY, I needed a plastic bride and groom, so I went to the wedding section. Yes, amazingly, Wal-Mart has a WEDDING section. Truly, you can find everything but the dress. (and a few aisles over you can find a pattern to MAKE the dress). So next time someone is complaining about the cost of a wedding...anyway, there was a $7 VEIL! They have invitations, wedding cake pans, favors, a ring bearer pillow, you name it. While I was trying to decide which $1 plastic bride and groom I wanted (the bride dragging the groom by his collar? the bride holding the groom by his ear? or your traditional bride and groom), a woman came up to me. She was, I don't know, 100 years old or so? Truly, a senior senior citizen. And she asked me and another woman standing there, "Where are the dressing rooms?"

So we pointed to the general direction.

She said, "You see, I used to weigh 140 pounds, but I lost all this weight and now I weight 117 pounds." She then began pulling at her breasts. (remember this is TRUE) You see, I used to have grapefruits and now I have pears, so I need a new brassiere."

I had to crack up. I mean, how do you not? So we pointed out the dressing rooms again, but she continued to talk.

"I used to be a 42DD. Can you believe it? Now I have nothing! So I've got to get these little pears under control."

So we're all full out laughing now. I mean this woman hasn't let go of her breasts yet. Clearly they're loose and rolling about under her shirt. I agree that she does need a brassiere and again, show her the dressing room.

So that little encounter alone was probably worth my trip to Wal-Mart. That, and I got to hear the crying director of Precious on the phone as he got news of his Academy Award nomination. (let me clarify, he didn't call me, it was on the radio)

I don't really believe in writer's block, but if I did, I would be on the road to Wal-Mart because, believe me, it's full of interesting characters. But food? Yes, the prices are good, but I couldn't bear to buy fruit today. I just lost my taste for it.