Redneck Parenting Tips

Oh, I just realized it's Grateful Wed. I'll try to do that later. I'm not in the mindset now. I'm typing this from the floor of my tiny bathroom at the cottage. You know how at the beginning of the summer, you fall in love with your kids again, and family time is so precious and all that? Well, the magic is gone for me this morning. They're driving me crazy, and it's only 9:30. I had to go in the bathroom to get away for a minute and already one kid has come in here twice and another kid three times. "Can we go to the dollar tree? Can we go to the aquarium? Can I have another piece of toast? No, I like it when YOU make it." AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRrrrrr

So I though the time was at hand to make some new redneck parenting tips, if not for you, then for me. It's been a while. So here goes.

1. Sometimes you've got to put YOURSELF in time out just to get a little peace of mind.
2. NEVER take your child to the Dollar Tree. NEVER. They will become addicts. My kids even sing their little blessing: "The Lord's been good to me, and so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need, the sun and the rain and the DOLLAR TREE..." Oh, it's bad.
3. Never drink more than two cups of coffee in the morning if you even suspect the kids will be annoying that day. It takes everything up a notch. Their whining voices are higher pitched and actually hurt.
4. NEVER let them have small,sharp toys, or you'll limp your life away.
5. NEVER get up early and start to write because guess what, you might get fired up and in the meat of something, then the kids get up. It's NOT better to have written and lost than never to have written at all.

Okay, well, maybe I should give some things you CAN do, with all these NEVERS.

1. Suck it up and take them to the Dollar Tree. You know you need some cleaning products anyway (as if...). I just fear the back to school essay...This summer I went to the Dollar Tree 400 times!
2. Suck it up and take them to the aquarium, but NO GIFT SHOP. Make them wait for the Dollar Tree.
3. Send them to camp. Even a day camp. Oh, I have a BRILLIANT idea. I'm going to start my own Dollar Tree Day Camp. For a mere $10 a day, you can drop your kid at the Dollar Tree and a college kid will help your child choose 10 things. It will definitely take ALL DAY, but what babysitter will do all day for $10?


Any college kids out there? Okay, I'd better come out of the bathroom, despite my high level of frustration, and take my rotten kids to the Dollar Tree ONLY so I can get a little peace. Okay, and some dishwasher detergent. But first, some deep breathing....