My Mission Statement

I write to serve, to unite, to educate. I write to share literature and flesh out ideas that may be of interest to others. I write to document an emotion, experience, or a blip in time. My mission is to write in such a way that the reader is reminded that we can find humor in all situations. It's one of the great blessings of life.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Wanna teach your kids about sex?

Get a female dog and wait until she goes into heat.
Real conversation:
Me: Boys, Ruby is starting to grow up. She's gone into heat. That means that she could have puppies, so we have to be very careful. (the WRONG thing to say, btw)
Boys: (cheering wildly) Woo hoo! Puppies! Yay.
YS: We should get a truck to drive them all around in.
Me: ??
OS: Oh, I can't wait. When will we have the wedding? Who will her husband be?
Me (gotta admit I like that they think of marriage FIRST): Here's the thing. She's NOT going to have puppies. We're going to have her spayed.
OS: What? Like when they cut Max's balls off?
Me: Not his balls, his testicles. But kind of. Max is a boy, so the surgery was a little different. Ruby is a girl.
YS: So do they cut her vagina off?
Me: No, but they fix it so she can't have children. (I have no idea what they do exactly...any vets out there?)
OS: (crying) You're going to mess her up, ON PURPOSE< so she can't have children? How would YOU feel if YOU couldn't have children?
Me: Sweetie, it's different. Ruby is tiny. Remember, she was the runt. IT would be dangerous. Anyway, the point is we have to keep her from getting pregnant.
YS: How do we do that? Doesn't God give you babies in your tummy when you're in love?
Me: (oh, geez) YEs, but it takes more than that.
OS: I know. Like when Max gets on Ruby's back. Is that how you get pregnant?
ME: Yes, exactly! (they're looking at me in horror, wondering, I'm sure, how their daddy got on MY back) That's how it is FOR DOGS.
OS: Oh, yeah. And Max's penis gets really red.
Me: So anyway, we need to keep Ruby away from the big dogs in the neighborhood. It can happen really fast, okay?
YS: Oh, I know why we don't want her to get pregnant.
Me: Good, tell it back to me.
YS: Because she would get married and she and her husband would live in their own house and we wouldn't see her any more.
Me: (ready for this conversation to be OVER) Yes, that's why. Okay, get your bathing suits on, so we can go to the beach.
OS: (checking out Ruby all this time) Mom, her vagina's all puffy and she has a little blood on it. Is she already pregnant?
Me: No, if there's a little blood than we know she's NOT pregnant.
yS: Is she going to get rudders? (he's thinking nipples, confusing them with udders)Because she is NOT sleeping with me if she gets rudders.
Me: Rudder have milk to feed the puppies.
YS: So we can have puppies! Yay! (jumping up and down)Thank you, mommy!

A true account, best my memory served as I raced to the computer and typed frantically into a word doc after it happened. All for you, dearies. Because frankly, I thought the whole thing was hilarious.

I dreamed last night that my YS got switched to a new elementary school, and they were going to bus him all the way to PINEHURST every day. But I went to visit the school, it was fabulous, and my old Ed Leadership professor, Dr. Ken Jenkins (whom I adored), was the room parent. Analyze THAT.

This is our last full beach day here before we go back to Edenton tomorrow. (We'll actually pick up our OD at camp early friday, then head to Asheville to get the YD. Can't believe our magical summer will soon be over.

What are your 'final days of summer' goals? Are you trying to get things in order for school OR trying to enjoy every last second? It's the great inner struggle of August, isn't it? I'd love to hear what you guys are doing these last weeks.
But for today, enjoy.

3 comments:

Liz said...

I was wondering when some more discussion might take place about that. I thought they were remarkably understanding about Miss Ruby the other day! Hilarious!

Dorothy said...

Funny, but I want to hear the sequel when it comes.

Angie said...

That's hysterical!

And Ken Jenkins as the room parent is pretty good too.

Isabel by Donna Jones Koppelman

Isabel by Donna Jones Koppelman

Major Bear at the Grove Park Inn by Donna Jones Koppelman

Major Bear at the Grove Park Inn by Donna Jones Koppelman